The essence of being

Animals can smell fear, and although we don't often make the most of this sense maybe we could learn to hone it...

After all, there is nothing like the smell of fresh bread in the morning, toasty, crunchy, comforting; or the wonderfully spicy smell air when a thunderstorm is approaching (a personal favourite); the way a home-cooked meal spreads through the house around dinner time or the way the garden smells after a proper afternoon shower...

Oh and we can't forget the less than pleasant stench of a dark alley piled with rubbish and pissed on walls...

Then there are those scents that remain with you. You may have not made an effort to remember; but the years they will remind you of particular individuals or moments -time and time again! For instance my friend Matthias wears (or used to) a scent that is probably fairly popular, one that has made me turn my head around many times whilst in London.

Today another of those scents cross the path of my nose and memories of another of the men in my life came rushing to my mind... Not one that had expected to remember, but then again we don't always choose what we want to remember (or to forget for that matter).

...For some reason it does not work the same with girls...

My sense of smell is a far cry from that of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille, but then again I don't think I'd want to be deprived of my own scent or become obsessed with finding one that would grant me my 'essence'...

Could we learn smell the essence of a person?

And I am certainly not talking just about body odour.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where my sense of smell trumped sense of sight... How would you go about first impressions? Can you smell selfishness? Rage? Hatred? Kindness? Love?

We can't always smell "pretty" despite our best efforts to mask any unpleasantness... It would certainly be harder to disguise contempt. Unless you perhaps became extremely good at controlling the excretion of chemicals by your brain and glands... Perfumery would certainly have to step up it's game to mask what we have grown accustomed to keep from others.

A part of me wonders if it would be a better, more honest world or whether we'd still find a way to hide; create prejudices and discriminate against each other... I would like to believe the former but I the cynic in me refuses that bouquet of possibilities...
 
One thing is certain, I will try to close my eyes more often (though not whilst walking -that would just be asking for trouble); maybe I can still teach myself to perceive the world with a whole different brand new sense of smell. It would make for an even more dimensional world beyond x, y, z and t (space-time)...

Tonight however, I will try to wash the woody fragrance of cedar off my nose... Histoire de chasser de ma memoire ces souvenirs pas encore assez lointains...

Lights! Camera rolling! Speed!

Almost everybody has at some point or another rejoiced in the excitement of hearing (or saying) those words... I am no film buff, and my appreciation of cinematography is at best basic. Yet I can say that the above words are very deceiving in and of themselves as they hide beautiful, exciting albeit technical and complex series of tasks. Long days, sore muscles and exhaustion are also part of the mix!

I can say that the height of my month of November was participating in Yann's and Anders' short film project.

For a film that is expected to be between 12-15 minutes in length the amount of work that went into it was formidable; and the people who partook in the project friendly, passionate and talented!

Notwithstanding the invested in the story creation, to the casting and organisation of the production. The actual filming was an quite a hectic project. One in which everybody needs to know the part he or she is playing. And no matter how insignificant a task can appear to be, it never is!

After all the all the actors have been cast and crew hired; after the costumes have been sorted and the preferred filming spots chosen -and permissions for filming obtained; after the order in which the scenes will be shot has been determined; (and I am probably missing out on chunks of work), only then can the "production" start.

The Condition (2010) film set. Photo courtesy of Yann Caloghiris.

Then there's the creative dialogue between the director and the director of photography before each shot/scene is filmed-which at times may appear interminable.

There's getting the right lighting; making sure the image is in frame and focus; that the actors get in the right mood to get in character and tell the story... Oh and then there's the "sound guy", whom from what I hear may at times be taken for granted, but who is responsible for catching not just the dialogues but all the sounds without which the setting would fail to feel real.

The whole process is art (technique) and creativity. But above all it's a fantastic example of what can be accomplished when individuals work together towards a common objective.

Now we just have to wait for post-production to come to a conclusion - Yann has to put it all together and allow us to relive the magic that went on behind the scenes...

And 'Action'!

Tempus fugit!

Just like in a Greek tragedy, the more the hero wants to fight against his destiny --not going to comment on the limited number of heroines, at least popular ones-- the more he runs towards it!
 
The same goes for Time, the more we try to "prevent" it from passing the faster it appears to do so... Certainly, it may all be down to our perception but then again

Is it that despite our efforts belief and act otherwise, determinism is just something we cannot escape? After all regardless of any beliefs we may hold true (or live by), at some level conscious or not, our actions and ultimately lives are determined by our limited lifespan.

Another of Life's ironies...

Tyger! Tyger!

It has been a while since 'Jasmin', that is how I named my friend the cat, came to visit... I miss her even if she's the type to ignore me until she feels like she wants some attention...

She reminds me of my friend Carolina who has always loved cats. When we were kids, she had two: Lady and Othello. Othello and I didn't always see eye to eye... I think now I would be able to appreciate him more!

Carolina's affections for felines runs so deep that when we had to prepare an anthology for one of our courses this one had to make it! I wonder if I still have it at home...

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright

In the forests of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies

Burnt the fire of thine eyes?

On what wings dare he aspire?

What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.

Could twist the sinews of thy heart?

And when thy heart began to beat,

What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?

In what furnace was thy brain?

What the anvil? what dread grasp

Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,

And watered heaving in their tears,

Did he smaile his work to see?

Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright

In the forests of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

William Blake (1794)

Te deseo primero que ames...

This poem has been going around for a while... It was my mum who sent it to me a month or so back.

It has been attributed to Victor Hugo; but despite my research I haven't been able to attest the veracity of this claim, nor have I been able to find a French version...

Nevertheless it is more about what it says than about who said it so without further ado here it goes; in Spanish...

Te deseo primero que ames y que 

Amando, también seas amado.

Y que, de no ser así, seas breve en olvidar

y que después de olvidar no guardes rencores.

Deseo, pues, que no sea así, pero que si es,

sepas ser sin desesperar.

Te deseo también que tengas amigos y que, 

incluso malos e inconsecuentes

sean valientes y fieles, y que por lo menos

haya uno en quien confiar sin dudar.

Y porque la vida es así,

te deseo también que tengas enemigos.

Ni muchos ni pocos, en la medida exacta,

para que, algunas veces, te cuestionestus proprias certezas. 

Y que entre ellos,

haya por lo menos uno que sea justo,

para que no te sientas demasiado seguro.

Te deseo además que seas útil,

mas no insustituible.

Y que en los momentos malos,

cuando no quede más nada,

esa utilidad sea suficiente

para mantenerte en pie.

Igualmente, te deseo que seas tolerante.

No con los que se equivocan poco,

porque eso es fácil, 

sino con los que se equivocan mucho e irremediablemente,

y que haciendo buen uso de esa tolerancia,

sirvas de ejemplo a otros.

Te deseo que siendo joven no

madures demasiado de prisa,

y que ya maduro, no insistas en rejuvenecer, 

y que siendo viejo note dediques al desespero.

Porque cada edad tiene su placer

y su dolor y es necesario dejar

que fluyan entre nosotros.

Te deseo de paso que seas triste.

No todos el año, sino que apenas un día.

Pero que cada día descubras 

que la risa diaria es buena, que la risa 

habitual sosa y que la risa constante es malsana.

Te deseo que descubras, 

con urgencia máximo, y por encima

y a pesar de todo, que existen,

y que te rodean, seres oprimidos,

tratados con injusticia y personas infelices.

Te deseo que acaricies un perro, 

alumentes a un pájaro y oigas a un jilgero

erguir triunfante su canto matinal,

porque de esta manera,

sentirás bien por nada.

Deseo también que plantes una semilla,

por más minúscula que sea, y la

acompañes en su crecimiento,

para que descrubras de cuantas vidas

está hecho un árbol.

Te deseo, además, que tengas dinero,

porque es necesario ser práctico.

Y que por lo menos una vez

por año pongas algo de ese dinero

frente a ti y digas: "Esto es mIo."

Sólo para que quede claro 

quién es dueño de quién.

Te deseo también que ninguno de tus afectos muera.

Pero que, si muere alguno, 

puedas llorar sin lamentarte

y sufrir sin sentirte culpable.

Te deseo por fin que, 

siendo hombre, tengas una buena muher, 

y que siendo mujer, tengas un buen hombre,

mañana y al día siguiente.

Y que cuando estéis exhaustos y sonrientes, 

aún sobre amor para empezar de nuevo.

Si todas estas cosas llegaran a pasar,

No tengo nada más que desearte.

 

 

Peek-a-boo

It's unlikely that most of us have anything particularly insightful to share with the world...Few of us will go down in history as great writers or thinkers...

I have been wondering why I am spending time putting these postings together? It's not like the whole world knows about them. Only a few people actually do, and my guess is even less bother to read them...

It used to be that people kept diaries but they were kept away from prying eyes... today it is more like we seek to share almost everything with the rest of the world? What is it we are seeking (if anything)?

The world is so interconnected maybe we just feel smaller and our existence and experience insignificant compared with that of others. Maybe our need to leave a mark has turned us into some sort of virtual exhibitionist... Seeking attention, or admiration? Maybe we are virtual voyeurs, addicted to the technicolour adventures of other people's lives, which makes us feel better (or worse) about our own...

The stories of others may certainly be a distraction but they can also be an inspiration. The need to write pure eccentricity ora desire to give a voice to a cause... Like everything else in life it always comes down to intent...

Although I wonder what the world would be like had the likes of Victor Hugo and Zola had these tools at their disposal... Maybe social activism would be more advanced?

Then again, I guess for every one of them there would be numerous others that would have filled the same space with 'nonsense'... Maybe we'd be in the same place we are now, only there would be an even larger number of pages to trawl through (Victor Hugo wrote some 18,000 pages works, letters and others in his life)!

For me this exercise is therapeutic... Sometimes it takes me days to try to organise my thoughts, others just a couple of hours! A bit like the Pensieve in Dumbledore's office, only without the magic, writing has always been a way for me to create some space inside my head, to get some clarity...To get the 'voices' to quiet down...

But then it is also true that we exist through the 'recognition' we get from the gaze of others. So we display elements of our life as we peek into those of others'; sometimes overtly, sometimes covertly...

'Normal' was never going to be an absolute so maybe it is being a bit of a voyeur and exhibitionist... and who knows what else...

The Inconvenient: Truth?

If you are a child of the 80s then A Few Good Men is part of the movies you must have watched growing up... More so if you were a teenage girl. Indeed who could resist Tom Cruise (Kaffee) in his impeccable navy blue uniform? ... I was just 13...
 
Some religious people will tell you that "'the' truth will set you free.."
'The' truth... More like 'a' truth because nobody possess it wholly but we all own bits of it...

As for it setting us 'free' it may be more complicated than that.

Saying it carries different considerations than hearing it. Indeed, a truth may appease our conscience vis-a-vis a particular issue but what if 'coming clean' with the truth only transfers the burden unto someone else?

The truth, a truth, it is quite a delicate thing to handle. So delicate sometimes a moral dilemma ensues: should it be told or should it be kept quiet? I guess partly it depends on who should hear it and who will say it (and how).

Do you tell your friend a truth that can be so difficult to accept that s/he may decide you are lying and refuse to accept it? Knowing this will be the case do you withhold the truth for the sake of keeping her/his distorted view of reality alive? What is it to you in the end? If they are happy living in delusion why should you shatter the illusion?

Should you speak this truth? Do you bite the bullet and risk a friendship over principles? Should ethics take precedence? Would being ethical/pragmatic equate to being insensitive? Or are there some truths that are better left untold?

Now if this truth you are not saying pertains to you and you are withholding from saying it out loud to yourself, it will start to eat away at our tranquility. Whatever tranquility we may have! For through the awareness of its existence, this truth -whether accepted or not - this truth won't be denied!

Sometimes we don't want to hear a truth because deep inside we are aware of it and speaking it will make it real. Once it is real we must choose to face it or run from it... This choice can be troubling for it MUST be made!

Running away from issues/truths seldom gets us anywhere in the end... and if we're running away from one of those unspoken truths, then it is already too late for it exists and not acknowledging it probably only cause more harm than good. It is more than likely that these truths catch up with us sooner or later...

Arguments can evolve in any direction... Ultimately however, I think that as hard as it can be I rather hear the truth -albeit presented as tactfully as humanly possible. Some people will rather run...

Maybe the decision to say/hear/accept this truth is ruled by game theory... It will depend on what is to be gained. Sometimes saying it won't change anything, and if it is not your life then might as well forget it...

Maybe time will erode it...

Nah! That's just wishful thinking!

Update status

An old recording, close your eyes and you can hear -almost touch - the words...

Des yeux qui font baiser les miens,

Un rire qui ser perd sur sa bouche,

Voila le portrait sans retouche

De l'homme auquel j'appartiens.

It's almost two and here I am still up and fully awake. A friend's message today made me think... I should know better than to allow temporary bitterness to drive me to make generalisations I for they can result in and ill advised comments.

It also happens that a friend and I were watching a film today... although EVERY time my friend and I decide to watch a movie she falls asleep five minutes into it. Seriously, I don't know how she manages at the movies (must be the surround sound system).

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.

It was this silly RomCom (The Holiday). Although I am not being completely honest by calling it 'silly': two nice love stories mildly complicated but that like in Shakespeare's play: All is well that ends well...

Il me dit des mots d'amour,
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose.

RomComs are to film what Britney Spears is to pop (I guess I could work harder on the metaphore): Something we like but often shy away from admitting so. Indeed, despite our best efforts (to deny it to ourselves and the world), this genre seems to awaken all sorts of fuzzy, comfy, cosy feelings. And what is not to like when love conquers all and any tribulations experienced only serve to strengthen it...

Il est entré dans mon cœur
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.

It surely doesn't help that the majority of the stories we watch play out on the silver screen end well. What is not to like in a story which conclusion takes us to a world seen through pink-coloured glasses? We all crave that fantasy, but while some of us do so covertly others do openly.

C'est toi pour moi. Moi pour toi
Dans la vie,
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré pour la vie.

After all if we wanted to read sad stories we'd pick something out of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables or the works of some Russian authors which tend to be very "realistic" in the way they go about portraying human anguish and suffering... For a shorter version and a similar effect I guess one could look to Keat's knight doomed by his love for La Belle dame sans merci...

Et dès que je l'aperçois
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cœur qui bat.

My often pragmatic nature tends to prefer the pessimistic realism for it seems more real and less nonsensical in content. It also lowers expectations and if your expectations are low, well its not like the fall will be too painful; there is just not that much distance to the ground.

Des nuits d'amour a ne plus en finir
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place
Des enuis des chagrins, des phases
Heureux, heureux a en mourir.

The 'high' that romance/love gives may be exquisite but is short-lived (even if the story continues at some point real life kicks in and brings you back to reality)! At the same time you KNOW that those short live moments are really what's all about: Living.

In the end, it is just another of life's little ironies...It's a bit like that reason and passion 'debate', love (romance) and realism 'sorta' need to balance each other out... It is also nice to forget reality sometimes and to take flight in a haze of lightness that envelops your being and takes you away...

Quand il me prend dans ses bras
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.

Il me dit des mots d'amour,
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose.

Il est entré dans mon cœur
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.

C'est toi pour moi. Moi pour toi
Dans la vie,
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré pour la vie.

Et dès que je l'aperçois
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cœur qui bat.

Great Wave off Kanagawa

There is something bewitching about this wave, and wherever I see it I am drawn to it!

This one was painted on the side of a house near Camberwell in Southeast London. Granted it is not a complete (or accurate copy of the original print, which breaks to the right and not to the left...

The initial fear the observer can experience by witnessing its power and proximity are quickly dispelled by the innocent -yet treacherous- beauty of this raw force of nature.

Just for the briefest of moments you can almost smell the salty water and hear the bubbles in the foam, the sound of the water overcoming you... Then the spell is broken; you are safe but back to reality and a bleak urban landscape...

Spinning around (like a record)?

Dead or Alive classic 80s tune you say? Not quite since what has me spinning around is the search for a job!

I went from interviewing for a positions at a pensions magazine on Tuesday to interviewing for a position at a forest products publication today.

Certainly, neither expects me to knowledgeable on the subject matter and I had to train myself at best ways to put forward my transferable skills and blah blah, in a "less factual more 'sales-cy' manner" as one of the recruiters I recently met with advised me.

Among one of the things that makes me feel slightly bipolar is the location factor or I am developing multiple personality disorder...

While the Pensions' mag job is in London and I made sure I highlighted my interested to remain in this country for the next 3-5 yrs the interviewer for the Forest Products mag asked me how I felt about relocation... I said that I obviously had a lot of experience in it -one look at my CV should confirm that - and that I would be more than delighted if the offer was right!

The thing is both answers are truthful... I could stay in London provided I find the 'right' job. I have friends here, and enjoy the social events the city has to offer. Then again I could move to Brussels, after all they do have lovely sugar waffles, chocolate and fries - I'll give beer a miss! Plus, I could even learn some Dutch whilst there...

The weighing of any pros and cons would be heavily influenced by the quality of the offer and the quality of life this offer would enable...

The ties I have in London are either flexible enough (true friendships can survive time and space) or insufficient (it's not like my phone contract is going to prevent me from changing countries).

As for establishing new ties, its not like it is obvious -as you get older you become a bit more 'difficult' when it comes to the people you let into your life - but it's not impossible, and I have certainly done it before.

Should a job be just that, a job? Something I MUST do in order to live/pay the bills? Changing my interests as often as I change socks? Should I just accept that while my job could be potentially interesting I will not necessarily/significantly contribute to my life's happiness?

Still I am secretly hoping I will hear back from this one particular application I sent... Maybe by Monday I'll know... Despite knowing that I shouldn't bring my hopes up I feel that the potential for disappointment at the possible absence of news is quite high.

This job search thing is confusing, emotionally draining and it appears to be very indicative of the conformity that defines the compromises we must make in Life. Sigh!

To thyself be true...

...For "[t]he greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed."

— Søren Kierkegaard
(The Sickness Unto Death)

My Friend the Cat...

I admit it I don't know whether its a girl or a boy but then again its a fairly hairy cat and in this instance I am afraid to admit I I wouldn't know what to look for!

We're neighbours and I first found him lazily enjoying those rare moments of sun that bathe this otherwise grey-skied city... So elegant how could you not stop and try to play with it...

I was lucky enough s/he indulged me... I don't know its name but despite that we've become well acquainted as we both stroll up and down Knatchbull Road...

I soon realised it is quite a shameless character (I wouldn't display my flexibility in front of just anyone... and boy! I bet there are quite a few peeps out there who wish they were as flexible as My Friend the Cat!

After today's rainy afternoon my friend came knocking; as it turns out it was not comfortable coming in thru the window so I opened the door to let it in!

Following some meowing which I can't fully decipher and some thorough licking -I seriously wonder how it does not choke in his own hair -and requesting some petting... to all of you pervs out there, I am aware of innuendoes that can derive from this description but keep it PG !

It is now peacefully resting at my feet, fast asleep. I haven't yet decided whether I will let it spend the night... do I trust it enough not to claw away the few bits of furniture in my room...

We shall see!

In Limbo?

...Not quite thinking about the Christian myth version of it... more like a Twilight Zone reality!

Those years where I was no longer a kid but not yet an adult are behind -officially, over a decade behind- but the actual feeling of inadequacy prevails...

Right now I feel trapped in a warp zone... Most of my friends in my age group (even those a few years younger), are settling into 'full-fledged' adulthood... getting married, buying a house, having kids...

I am not quite there yet but the current job situation (or absence thereof) is making me nervous and is somehow contributing to some self-doubt!

But then I have to remind myself that looking back at the 31 years that have been my life (minus those early-childhood years where nobody really remembers anything), I can say that I have never really burnt the steps of life at the same pace of the majority of my peers... Historically, I've tended to do things when the time is right for me...

Strangely enough knowing that does not make me feel particularly cosy inside right now...

I could do with some diversion but not the meaningless type... This is the point where my travels work against me... Right now I wouldn't mind living in the same city as most of my high school and uni friends...

But then again, what are the odds they'd be free? They are after all likely to be part of those friends settling down, getting married, buying a house and having kids...

This is one of those you can't win!

Il est interdit d'interdir

... One of the various slogans which became famous during the famous spring of '68...

A pretty blatant contradiction, especially in the context of freedom of expression, movement, action... Indeed if the state is false then things may or may not be forbidden but if the statement is true then the act of forbidding becomes a fait accompli and I'd say it that the words that make the statement thereby lose most of their meaning!

Funny how a slogan that came out of the desire to 'break free' of the status quo suddenly becomes an agent for it...

Just another irony of life? Perhaps one of the idiosyncrasies of revolutionary movements?

Who knows... what I know is that whether true or false the statement seeks to censor... Every where we look we are censored: "Don't walk on the grass", "Don't run", "Wear a bathing suit"... I can see how the statements fit within a context and how they contribute to the creation of order, which I admit is necessary for societies to function somewhat appropriately...

But on what moral grounds does the censorship required to function socially sacrifice some of the funner aspects of life to some higher authority?

I recently found myself censored by one of my younger brothers...

Apparently one of my Facebook status updates was not 'appropriate'! Now I avoided making an issue out of it by deleting the update and the comments that came below it!

But then I got thinking and truth be told, I didn't really find neither the update or the comments inappropriate... A bit wanton perhaps but for starters HOW is 'appropriate' being defined? WHAT is the moral framework in which this definition in is comprised? WHO was offended by the comments? and WHY?

As someone who had a VERY tame youth (which continued all the way through to my mid 20s) I feel I have the right to have fun as long as nobody gets hurt on the way. There are things that I feel now that I may have felt back then too but I was just to inhibited to admit it -even to myself! In this sense I have broken free -from myself...

In this sense, my definition is true to the etymological origin of the word... It is something I chose to make MINE and not simply the adoption of social norm for the sake of it!

As for the statement I don't really see why my brother got all flustered! So I said I liked "Fresh meat!", it is wrong to objectify anyone and for that I do apologise but not for any of my "appetites"...

Back when my brother was in Uni, he once told me about a competition he had with one of his flatmates. They were keeping track to see who slept with the most girls over an x-period of time... Correct me if I am wrong but was he not then objectifying women and expressing his "needs/wants"?

Just because he is married and has a kid, it does not mean he can disapprove of something which he was happy to enjoy in the past... That is just hypocritical?!

So is my brother's censorship of my Facebook status part of what we become when we are "brought" to 'settle down' and 'grow up'? Is the flame that burns within us tamed -almost extinguished- as part of this process?

Do we lose our spark and when we see it in others do we seek in turn to extinguish it out of fear or just because we have lost touch with that part of ourselves? Is it unavoidable to become co-opted by societal norm? Is it just another phase in life that gets burnt out after a while? Or can we 'grow up' and still keep that flame burning bright?

I don't know but I sure hope that years down the line I won't become that which I am criticising today...

There is no such thing as an absolute truth... ;o)

Winds of change...

Symmetry is often a sign of order, perfection... Some studies have shown that the more symmetric your face the more attractive to others you are.

It is of those elements that you wish you could incorporate into life more often than not. After all so many things in nature are symmetric that it makes sense to want to reproduce it. It should even be second nature...

If it were only that easy!


I was just making an entry in my diary... Although 'diary' is perhaps not the most appropriate of words since I have made 24 entries in the past three years. Yeah I guess my lack of discipline reflects not just on the number of entries in this space... That being said, the entries tend to be fairly long and I've used up half the diary. So maybe I'll need a new one in three years' time. The trees have got to appreciate that! ;o)

So I have not really kept any symmetry there... But then maybe imposing symmetry to life at all costs would certainly make it dull and extremely constraining in terms of experiences...

In all serious business, re-reading some of the entries has been a curious experience.

In a couple of instances I have been TOTALLY OFF. I mean I thought this friend would take a totally different path to the one he has taken... But hey, I am not a fortune teller!

However, the most part the diary has helped me process quite a bit of what has happened in my life in the three years since I moved to London! From questions of confidence, to my feelings on paintings to matters of the heart -even some that could only be described as amorous and frivolous encounters...

It is interesting to have snap shots of moments that have shaped the person whom you are becoming... Then again I am only gaining a year or two perspective on my entries so I wonder how it will feel 10 years from now?

...I just typed that but a decade from today I will be 41 years old, 1 month and a week old... The number starts to sound quite intimidating... A decade sounds like an eternity away but at the rate time flies it is just around the corner! With a bit of luck time will be kind to me -although it is likely I try my best to assist it!

Wonder if I'll be making my first entries in my third diary... provided I continue at the current entry-writing rate...

I'll find out soon enough I guess! In the meantime I think will continue to explore the asymmetry which in some way has entered my life. After all there are too many 'asymmetric' moments of life and it would be a shame to let them go to waste!

Did I mentioned that I snogged a 21 year old at the pub on Saturday night? It was funny... I didn't find him particularly interesting, actually that is probably why I snogged him... It was one of those "Eh! Why not?" moments... I can really grow to like those! ;o)

Street signs...

Besides amusing myself at taking photos of doors, doorways, windows and lampposts I also like street and traffic signs... The above I took not too long ago. I found Logic reasonably stuck on a wall Oxford while Love was refreshingly, hanging from a street light in Camberwell...

I decided this was as good time as any to combine the two which are seemingly opposed concepts. Certainly one is allegedly anchored in reason and scientific method while the other is based on passion, 'random' rush of feelings and emotions.

Yet something tells me they are actually quite similar, if not two sides of the same coin. One cannot be without the other since they temperate each other for...

Passion without Reason is madness and Reason without Passion does not suffice to spark life...

Perspective

When I was in Premiere (Grade 11) reviewing all the texts we had studied during the year in preparation for my French oral I decided I was not keen on Les Fables de La Fontaine... I decided that I wld not really review those. But right then and then I KNEW that I would have to present one of those texts during the exam. Still I didn't revise them. The day of the exam, the examiner had my list and flipped over page one (The Fables were on that page) and then flipped over the second, and the third and when it got to the fourth page... She came back to the first. Luckily for me she picked the one fable I knew fairly well from class...

Then there are those moments in life when we make a decision and SOMETHING inside you already knows that the repercussions of such decisions may not be ideal -far from it even- and yet we choose to ignore it...

Well the same applies to the Silver Surfer affair. I knew I was at risk of developing feelings despite my better judgement. Still, I went ahead...

Car le cœur a ses raisons que la Raison ne connaît point...

In hindsight, there were many signs which I chose to ignore. It is obviously less difficult to make connections between things that have already come to past.

The signs I could probably attribute to instinct or foresight, but I have not learnt to trust the former while the latter is a bit tricky predict. It involves assessing a set of 'variables' before you and attempting to predict how they will evolve while possibly with each other but also within a particular context. As for the context, it will be altered by elements we cannot control.

So right now I am left with these feelings, which I've deprived of their raison d'être... They are funny, these feelings, they appear out of nowhere and they just grow --at times even in 'inhospitable' territory. They will certainly wither away with time... Or so I hope...

A chapter closed

My whole life is upside down... This time last year things were a bit more upbeat, I had just celebrated the conclusion of my 30th year on this earth and I had spent a formidable time in Croatia...

The job was fine and then came the Silver Surfer as my dear friend Angie came to refer to him... I must confess... at first I didn't take it very seriously -who would?

But time passed and I continued to see him and I ended up developing feelings... yes they tend to creep on you when you least expect it!

A year on and I am unemployed, having recently quit the job I moved to in June... as for the Silver Surfer, tonight I closed that chapter as well.

It was not so much a matter of age (although this was somewhat of an issue if you know what I mean). This 'thing' was not going anywhere but I becoming more and more attached... this growing attachment became obvious as the unlabeled affair, a non-relationship by nature, suddenly became one as I battled with the feelings I had and considered how to end the 'relationship'. How ironic!

I know, it doesn't make sense... But then life seldom does!

The prolongued absences; the scarce (read, non-existent) flow of emails or text messages; the lack of communication and emotional intimacy... the case slowly added up him...

Initially, I would tell myself that he was from a different generation and needed time to become at ease.

Then, I also considered his family history: both his granddad and dad were 'successful' men (by most socially normalised definitions) and illustrious community members. Quite a big shadow to hang over you, especially when your dad dies when you are 15 and you are the only boy in house amidst 4 sisters...

I also wondered whether his religious heritage (Jewish) had something to do with the way in which he approached life.

WHY he was so afraid of commitment he has NEVER married, indeed a failed attempt (even if it ends in divorce) at least shows you are willing to confront fears if not vanquish them. But above all it proves you are NOT AFRAID TO LIVE!

Then I wondered whether this woman (whom he was happily hugging in a photo in his studio) had broken his heart so badly he just needed more time. Until about a month or so ago, when upon arriving at his flat I he had just hung a portrait of the same woman behind his entrance door...

As time passed and he evaded questions (with which I only sought to get to know him the man as opposed to him the social/public figure), I just came face to face with a wall. I did try climbing it, picking at it, drilling holes... But I was not making any progress and nor was the non-relationship.

Supported by my lovely friend Lil (who listened to me go on about things forever), and after much debating between my feelings and Reason realised the best thing was/is to move on...

I admit it, I was a fool! After all he did say early on that he was afraid of commitment... I should have walked away right there and then, instead I decided to give it a go... [Feel free to roll your eyes over...]

So, this year has certainly been a roaring one... although certainly NOT the definition of roaring I had in mind when I started this blog.

Another year...

It has been ages... I am not as disciplined at this as I would like to be! Oh well! I haven't even bothered checking when was the last time I posted something but then again little has changed...

Well many that is not quite true. I closed my 31st year on this plane of existence by quitting a job I came to hate in 2 weeks, but which I decided to do until the end of my 3 month probationary period! There were times where I came close to understanding the thirst for blood that made Vlad Tepes become such an inspiration to horror literature/film!

I must say, I never thought I would feel so well after officially putting myself out of a job! But I did! Now I need to put it all towards finding a new job... maybe in the 'Continent'?

Otherwise, the Silver Surfer is still part of the picture but I just need to break the news to him... which is what I am finding difficult to do. But let's face it how long was it going to last? He is often away and when he is here despite being quite sweet, it just does not cut it across all departments!

That's another bullet I will have to bite in the near future...

Walking contradictions

We all claim to want freedom but at the same time we are often willing to sacrifice the freedom of others to ours. Much in the same way we tend to 'preach a truth' for others, a 'truth' but that we ourselves do not always wish to apply/listen to...

I mean even when I KNOW that this story with the the Silver Surfer is doomed I still get butterflies in my stomach... and although I KNOW I should put a stop to this I am not going to at least not in the the near future...

The truth is I probably like him more that I can admit to myself... Even as I write this I do so switching back and forth between the perspective of an omniscient narrator -who KNOWS the reasoning behind her main character's actions but is also aware of a certain inevitability of the path this character has taken- and the first person trying to figure things out.

My friend Tessa asked me if I have told him I'd like to see more of him but the truth is I haven't and I don't know that I will. Certainly, right now I am in a limbo so to speak, and I cling to the illusion that I am still the shots and in full control of my feelings... but Reason seems to have gone AWAL ... and when it comes to this issue the desire to will Reason back is also in a procrastination mode or is it instead

One of those times where -at least for a moment (of undetermined length) - feelings trump reason?

It is a bit like a condition where your friends' advice makes perfect sense, on both the pro and against sides - obviously for different reasons.
The difference is that Tessa's advice - to go ahead and tell him I would like to see more of him - is what I want to hear. (As opposed to Maria's advice that this whole thing may not be a good idea.)
Which means that I KNOW how I feel and what I want, but that I have been too afraid to give it a go...

Sometimes you (think you) know you are shooting yourself in the foot at least in theory but you still pursue the empirical proof... I guess its part of the scientific method .... Besides, it's all part of growing up!

Nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

Poker face

Have you ever felt too proud to fess up to the world? It is one of those nights when I feel particularly lonely -I guess there is a price to pay for choosing to belief what I do! Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to blame it all on hormones and get one with it...

In the meantime I shall dwell on my vulnerability and my inherent need to appear stronger than what I may be! To I feel vulnerable and yet I should be excited I potentially have two job offers... And may be it is because I have a reason to be happy but nobody to really share it with, that I feel so alone!

I am trying to explore this moment of "weakness" to see if it is more than a moment or perhaps it is a reality I have been trying to hide from myself... rationality can become quite a complicated affair!

Tonight I will admit I feel lost but tomorrow I may deny the whole thing.... which is true I don't know - and I don't know that I want to delve into it! I spend so much time trying to figure myself out, my reasoning.... sometimes I wish I were dumber. But then again I am sure that I would find something to be miserable about!

Maybe Agent Smith was right and we need something to be off to be 'happy' lest we are unable to compute the reality around us?!

I better go to bed! Maybe Morpheus will bring some solace!

The end justifies the means...

No this is not Machiavellian essay on foreign policy although I am sure I could find something to say on that...

I am more concerned with lighter aspects of my life... those related to my extra curricular activities. The means through which I am conducting the experiment that is my self-discovery would certainly fail to gain the seal of approval of more conservative strata of society.

But I am finding the whole experience particularly enlightening and delightful in oh so many ways!

I am still seeing the Silver Surfer as my friend kindly baptised him! We meet every few weeks for dinner, some kind of social event and then we have a sleep over... For a moment there I thought I was developing some kind of romantic feelings but I think I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the stress and frustration related to work...

And I am lucky to have friends who care and look out for me...

They keep telling me to beware and not to waste my time. They are concerned that I could fall in love and that I could end up getting hurt... and falling in love indeed a possibility... ONE in a realm of many! To put their minds at ease -and perhaps also to convince myself of it - I tell them that I have been accepting invitations from other guys, keeping the door to other possibilities WIDE open.

As for Time, it is only wasted if I agree with the normalised idea that I have to meet specific milestones on a particular schedule that falls into what has been determined as appropriate by society... And therein lies the answer, for last I checked I have no schedule to keep. Indeed:

Life unfolds at its own pace for better or worse!

However I must admit that all this questioning about feelings has made me wonder whether my decisions and attitudes are a product of ME or whether the ME is a product of decisions I believe I ought to take in order to create this ME I believe I should be... I know it is a bit convoluted... I think I won't go there... at least not just yet!

The above paragraph notwithstanding, o thing is certain, believe it or not I am learning to go with my gut which does not come as second nature to me!

Growing pains? Yes please!

As anticipation for the 12 months ahead slowly recedes tempered by the sobering effects of the post-holiday detox, it is the time of the year when good intentions are abundant and we all look back to review what the 12 months we leave behind have given us.

The financial markets may be experiencing a dry spell since H2 2008; 2009 was by many standards labelled an annus horribilis. But I can’t complain, 2009 was a good year and 2010 has kicked off on a relatively high note despite the boredom I’ve encountered at work.

Swedish, German, British, Canadian, French, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, engineer, banker, accountant, lawyer… variety provides for a good comparative survey of modus operandi.

Could all this be attributed to some unconscious 30s crisis? Fear of commitment? Boredom? Wantonness?

Let’s go one by one: I am not troubled, the past 12 months have provided me with insight about myself and men –albeit I am still ions away from fully understanding the latter. I feel better prepared to process –which seemingly ranks top five favourite things to do. It is up there with sex, reading/writing, learning and enjoying good food.

Phobia of commitment? Unlikely, I am not afraid to engage my feelings and display my vulnerabilities but I keep the right to choose who is deserving of the privilege.

Now boredom may have a part to play, I am finding work dissatisfying of late on several levels. I am looking to move but in the meantime why not spice things up a bit

Wantonness (minus the socially normalised – tired and negative – connotation) is most definitely increased by boredom.

Or is it that I now have the time to become fully aware of its presence previously effaced to a second plan by other aspects of my life? In any case, I don’t feel troubled it, quite the contrary!

This time last year, I was broken hearted. I cried like a Magdalene and was inconsolable for a bit, unable to understand what had happened. I got over it with a Swedish engineer, needless to say that story obviously did not last very long.

So 12 months on, several guys and stories later what have I learnt?

Lesson #1: The pain of fall hurts more and for longer when you try to burry it or when you become resentful. Embrace the pain, if you were true to yourself you should not have any regrets and letting go becomes easier…

Lesson #2: Get back on the horse, don’t rush into it but don’t let fear run the schedule… It won’t be the first or last fall.

Lesson #3: The bruises we carry and wear are battle-wounds, proof of our desire to live and experience the world around us. Look at the silver-lining and focus on what you’ve learnt about yourself, others and human interaction in general.

Lesson #4: Don’t be afraid to take a “leap of faith”, the worse thing that can happen is that you fall and it will but it can only make you stronger. Albeit some cost-benefit analysis should be carried out but in the end it’s only by putting ourselves in the line that we really tap into the vulnerability that makes us feel truly alive.

Lesson #5: Be honest about what you want, but also about what you are ready to give. Honesty does not have to be a lonely word…

Lesson #6: Let go! The more you try to determine odds the more confused/obsessed you’ll become and the less you’ll enjoy whatever it is your are supposed to be experiencing. Go with the flow and take it as it comes. Things will fall into place.

Lesson #7: Leave your deamons out of it, inadequacy complexes, escapist tendencies, displaced feelings… Whether it is casual fun you are after, or a more serious thing you are hoping for, you have to be in a good place –and preferably at peace with yourself – to be able to tune into it.

Lesson #8: Purely physical encounters are fun and can be very liberating –but always play safe! That being said the fun is increased when it’s shared with a good friend.

Lesson #9: Don’t be afraid to think outside the box and consider options you had previously disregarded based on uninformed prejudices. You can be pleasantly surprised ;o)

Here’s to 2010; hopefully an equally enlightening year!