A chapter closed

My whole life is upside down... This time last year things were a bit more upbeat, I had just celebrated the conclusion of my 30th year on this earth and I had spent a formidable time in Croatia...

The job was fine and then came the Silver Surfer as my dear friend Angie came to refer to him... I must confess... at first I didn't take it very seriously -who would?

But time passed and I continued to see him and I ended up developing feelings... yes they tend to creep on you when you least expect it!

A year on and I am unemployed, having recently quit the job I moved to in June... as for the Silver Surfer, tonight I closed that chapter as well.

It was not so much a matter of age (although this was somewhat of an issue if you know what I mean). This 'thing' was not going anywhere but I becoming more and more attached... this growing attachment became obvious as the unlabeled affair, a non-relationship by nature, suddenly became one as I battled with the feelings I had and considered how to end the 'relationship'. How ironic!

I know, it doesn't make sense... But then life seldom does!

The prolongued absences; the scarce (read, non-existent) flow of emails or text messages; the lack of communication and emotional intimacy... the case slowly added up him...

Initially, I would tell myself that he was from a different generation and needed time to become at ease.

Then, I also considered his family history: both his granddad and dad were 'successful' men (by most socially normalised definitions) and illustrious community members. Quite a big shadow to hang over you, especially when your dad dies when you are 15 and you are the only boy in house amidst 4 sisters...

I also wondered whether his religious heritage (Jewish) had something to do with the way in which he approached life.

WHY he was so afraid of commitment he has NEVER married, indeed a failed attempt (even if it ends in divorce) at least shows you are willing to confront fears if not vanquish them. But above all it proves you are NOT AFRAID TO LIVE!

Then I wondered whether this woman (whom he was happily hugging in a photo in his studio) had broken his heart so badly he just needed more time. Until about a month or so ago, when upon arriving at his flat I he had just hung a portrait of the same woman behind his entrance door...

As time passed and he evaded questions (with which I only sought to get to know him the man as opposed to him the social/public figure), I just came face to face with a wall. I did try climbing it, picking at it, drilling holes... But I was not making any progress and nor was the non-relationship.

Supported by my lovely friend Lil (who listened to me go on about things forever), and after much debating between my feelings and Reason realised the best thing was/is to move on...

I admit it, I was a fool! After all he did say early on that he was afraid of commitment... I should have walked away right there and then, instead I decided to give it a go... [Feel free to roll your eyes over...]

So, this year has certainly been a roaring one... although certainly NOT the definition of roaring I had in mind when I started this blog.