Nature giveth and nature taketh

Some men seem to grow more appreciative of assertive, modern women, but is this an awakening of new found wisdom or an attempt to compensate for skills nature may have taken away?

I got to admit Silver Surfer's has been quite a gentleman... He has not rushed anything, managed to hold back any impulses he may have had (at least until recently), and his ego has so far not gotten on the way... So far so good! Now when it comes to "the moves" you be the judge:

To set the mood, open a bottle of red, shortly followed by a 'let me show you the view from over here' as he dims the lights to 'better appreciate the view' while rubbing my neck and suddenly facing me to kiss me...

I guess the scene/mood can be said to be romantic... Perhaps unknown to him is the fact that I had made up my mind a while back. I knew how far things would go (at least physically), it was all a matter of 'when'... So he gets high marks for his mise en scene...

Give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's...

As for what motivated me to make that decision? There were a couple of measures of attraction, one of curiosity, a tablespoon of vanity and maybe even , a few of curiosity... I venture to wonder if this last was not laced with some morbidity -after all I'd like to find out if he can deliver "the goods"!
So we made out and kissing-wise at least, his technique improved. We also fooled around (if you'd asked me about this possibility nine months ago I would have laughed at you in disbelief) but I can't ascertain to the adequacy of his performance in complimentary departments just yet! Maybe his prolonged route to 'enamour' me is nothing more than the fear of his 'youth' taken away... Maybe he has to find ways to make up for it...

If only I allowed myself the reverie of romance;
If only I embraced the uncertainty,;
the freedom -dare I say lightness-
that comes from letting go...

In the midst of all this something did come up (and no, THAT is NOT what I am talking about). I don't know if I've picked because I've developed a liking for the Surfer but his admitted fear of "commitment" may have resulted in a sudden decision (considered but not yet taken) to opt for emotional detachment... Maybe it was the justification I was looking for all along... one that I have fed him and successfully manufactured! A clarification will be sought...

If only I could quieten my mind;
If I could stop it seeking answers and creating patterns.

Suddenly I find myself sitting on the fence...

I know where cynicism will lead me: I'll 'indulge' until I am bored - and I have been known to have a short attention span. But I would just be absconding life. I can otherwise opt let down my guard fully confident that whatever happens I have what it takes to make the best of it! I'll be Cartesian about it and suspend my judgement

"Let us suppose, then, that we are dreaming..."

I complete me!

Are single people in denial of their emotional detachment, commitment-phobe, or just happy with whom they are? Maybe some people don't realise that happiness just as loneliness, is a state of mind not really a state of being!

In any case I find it most bizarre (and annoying) that people think one needs to be in a couple to be complete.

Just the other night my little brother - who, whether he knows it or not is someone I admire and trust - in a very sweet and concerned manner brought up how "boring and lonely it must be (for me) to go on holiday alone! He was alluding to my holidays in Croatia a few months back!

Like everything there are several ways of looking at things... and weighing the pluses and the minuses...

It certainly comes in handy to go on holiday with someone else. Especially when the micro tripod you have for your mini camera fails to stand still long enough for you to take a photo. I am sure there are other advantages but none that I can think of now.

As for going away alone there are a few perks. For instance I don't have to worry about itineraries... I do what I want when I want it without concerning myself for what someone else may or may not want to do, see or eat. I can embrace my surroundings, lay down and relax listening to the nature around me! I've also crossed paths with interesting people albeit just for a brief moment...

To stay on the topic of my civil status, another old friend told me I was to straight forward and that I intimidate men... "not even allowing for a dependency to develop"... But I ask why would I want there to be a dependency?
It may be that I have never had that in my life (obvious dependency on my parents during the first two decades of my life not withstanding!), but I don't really like the idea of depending on someone. In many instances I have to suck it up, - 'tis after all the way we are socialised -
but where I can maintain my independence I will and that certainly true financially and even more so emotionally.

All the places I have been to and people I have met have brought me "here"... Here is at times quiet and at times hectic but certainly somewhere where I feel comfortable at all times. It feels great and superbly liberating. Just as good as skinny-dipping in the Dalmatian Coast in late summer!

The Melting of Time

November is almost up... and it has been a peculiar month.
Looking back I can help but to appreciate the surreal aspects of the days gone by... Its like a collage. Pictures from different levels of consciousness and moments in time, MY time.

November market 20 years since the fall of the Berlin Wall and all politics aside I could not help but to think at how happy people where to be reunited with loved ones. Indeed there are some bonds that the tyranny of certain ideas of man cannot destroy. If only we didn't suffer from A.D.D. and managed to hold on to the things that bring us together rather than on those that pulls us apart...

'tis weird how in life the profound and the mundane are so intrinsically entwined ...

Silly as it may seem to some as a follow on paragraph, we also lost one of our family dogs this month... Pitou it all the way from Zambia... travelled more than many people have in a life time! He was a funny dog, when he was feeling lazy you could not get him to come towards you if you tried but if he was across the house from the kitchen and heard a bag of bread being opened he'd be in front of you wagging his tail like there is no tomorrow!

Time: we choose whether passes us by or whether it leaves in us memories of a life lived!

November was also a bit of a funny month when it came to "romance". Following my amorous affair in October, the Silver Surfer got in touch. We met in late September at an alumni event which ended up turning into an ad hoc dinner - with some curve balls thrown into the mix.

Since then there have been a few dates: a dinner and a country walk both of which included one of his "younger" sisters and a friend of hers in town for a few days. Then there was a folk music concert followed a few weeks later by a classical music recital. This late date marked a chance of pace. He finally dared to take my hand in his! His MO is somewhat different from that of others I've come across in the past... Kissing still feels clumsy but hopefully that is not due to lack of know-how! With a 20+ year difference I would surely hope not in any case!

Several 'game theory-like' scenarios where considered, some "win-win" others "win-lose" and feelings of being over my head have somewhat subsided, which is never easy for over-analytical control freak! This should be an interesting episode...

I've never really been a fan of Dali, but you gotta love the surreal touches in life's collage...

Lucky 13

It was one of those half joke half-truths framed within the realm of possibility…

It was the right measure of sexy tempered with the right amount of ease with each other: I could not have asked for anything better. Who would have thought it after seven years?

The first time was… just a tad awkward! Mostly because of the half joke nature of my initial insinuation… There was also the fact that our relationship had never steered in that direction in the past. Sure, we had shared a bed in the past. Back in uni, following nights out. But we had just slept on it; I mostly remembered him snoring!

“Buddies” he said because up to that point that is all we were…

But the awkwardness was short-lived, for the most part –PDAs, those took a bit to iron out but with only a week to work it out – and I may be going out on a limb here -- I would venture to say that we did pretty good for the time we had in our hands!

Oh yeah! It was definitely fun but also funny and silly in a child-like kind of way, which made it enjoyable beyond wantonness.

There have been a few guys; most of them strangers, some I pursued, and others pursued me. But in all of those instances there was never anything there, between us, before that initial chase, what resulted of it, or the fizzling that came after.

So I ventured to cross the line that separates a platonic friendship from something else. This was effectively my first time in those waters. Certainly, I had made up my mind a while back, but that I had decided to cross the friendship-line was only a third of the journey. I certainly could not suppose to know what his reaction would be, and even less what it would be like once (IF) we both crossed the lined. It was a risk I was willing to take; somewhat calculated, but a risk nonetheless.

I discovered a different reality… these uncharted waters at times excitingly tempestuous were also warm and tranquil at times comfortingly lulling me to sleep.

I know it happened, and I how it sort of came to happen… But I didn’t acknowledge the presence of ‘unknowns currents’ as I plotted the course on the chart… That’s life at its best; the irony; I can’t help but to smile.

I am still processing… 'tis after all my preferred setting or is it just the default one?

All these emotions are still close to the surface and I don’t know how best 'handle' them –should that even be an option?

Two possibilities come immediately to mind:
1) Compartmentalisation: enjoy it for what it was a short-lived experience (like most I’ve had). One that relieved my back pain and provided some intense moments of gratification. A cold/calculated approach, which of late, I fear, could be becoming close to second nature…

"Second nature"… Is it a fully informed and rationalised decision? Or is it a normalised “pragmatism”; a betrayal to myself?

Or...

2) Embrace the confusion, the gaiety and lightness of being without worrying about what may or could have become of it… Let those feelings –just like the wind – dance around and dissipate or concentrate. Waltzing away from any desire to possess them, to box them, to imprison them…

Both possibilities require an investment on my behalf, either to ‘betray’ myself into a rationalised certainty or remain ‘vulnerable’ to the flightiness but free, uncensored...

…Thus my question answered: embrace the uncertainty and the freedom it provides…

¡Qué sera, sera!

Technical difficulties

I guess it is one of those days where the universe recommends staying home. Alas I ventured out and back...

One thing is certain, technology is in disagreement with me... I have been spending the better part of the evening trying to sort the formatting for this space without much luck!

I wonder if the cat that followed me home, ran to my door and entered my room is another of those warnings the Universe is sending...

Unfortunately the Universe's messenger shan't fulfill it's purpose as I speak no feline dialects!

La cattiva

Am I mostly to blame for the “bad weather” I am currently experiencing?

May be it’s a bit like climate change, naturally occurring every few 100,000 years but accelerated by human activity (and for the sake of flow lets assume climate change is NOT contested)…

Could it be that my insecurities hide beneath the mask of an “independent woman”?

The last couple of months have been, for lack of a better word: DRY! It may be that I end up doing something 'stupid' soon!

Its like the though of indulging in that slice of creamy cheesecake you may sometimes crave at midnight knowing fully well that you have nothing to gain from that temporary gratification except a pounds which could eventually be accompanied by some regret... Is “play time” really worth that?

The weekend has brought some (much appreciated) clarification in the form of incredibly creative friends... friends who unknowingly or not have confronted me with some truths I did not want to speak myself. Indeed, what was said on Saturday night has crossed my mind in more than one occasion:

-“you may have double standards”…

-“you shoot them down before they’ve even had the chance to make an impression”...

Tonight I got one friendly half-joking yet half-confronting: “ma sei cattiva"

None of these were meant as reproaches, just observations… What is more, I know that what my friends said was true… not because they said it but because I had been running from admitting it all to myself. Finally, that inconvenient truth I was hiding from caught up with me…

It is curious how once something has been spoken; once it has a name, its existence can no longer be denied! I am left with a choice between two identifiable options:

a) To accept my current ways and its direct and indirect implications, or

b) To change my ways –IF I am unhappy (with elements of the status quo) …

It will be option “b” for me, thank you very much!

[Disclaimer: I am not saying I will lower my standards. At the risk of sounding pedantic, I will shoot down romantic prospects that cannot conjugate their tenses properly let alone express their ideas in a correct sentence structure!]

… As to ‘HOW’ I will go about it? Well that is still uncertain… I guess I have to find another way of coping with my longstanding insecurities about 'smarts' and 'looks'. After all aren’t insecurities only weaknesses when you hide behind them? Maybe this “drought” is the universe telling me something like the oracle at Delphi, a resounding:

“To thine own self be true”,

… Lest running away from ‘known daemons’ results in you crashing straight into them and becoming the shadow of what you could have been

In the meantime, while I work on not being “una cattiva”, the intention of doing something ‘stupid’ with a visiting friend is a good 50% there (at least on my side)! After all, a joke often hides a half truth and the speakers of those half-truths have a way of seeking some way of fulfilling them… which could or not be a good thing. I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

Modern inventions

Has the disposable nature of modernity translated into how we relate romantically?

There I was tossing and turning in bed, trying to fall asleep despite my aching back. I could not help but to think back to the few men that have crossed my path in recent months... Suddenly I was thinking Kleenex... In case you were wondering; NO, (unfortunately?) I was not crying...

How does a (wo)man resemble a box of tissue? It may sound like a terribly detached comparison but it all fairness it is an honest question.

A tissue is a very useful little invention. It’s cheap, easy to carry in case of emergencies and disposable (carbon and other environmental considerations aside).

Granted I am not buying men (I don’t believe in stooping into those lowlands –why pay for something you can get for free?) nor do I carry them around in my handbag. But my recent experience has suddenly seen me pick one up and dispose of it shortly thereafter in a drama-free setting. That is the story told from my point of view but it applies from his too, since I presume guys dispose of me just as I dispose of them. But that has got me wondering…

Am I just another example of a libertine and morally bankrupt society? Am I just being pragmatic and approaching my biological needs following a utilitarian model? Have I become so self-involved that I seek only hedonistic pleasures; carefree philandering happily lacking in time commitment demands? Is it a means to cope with the absence of decent dating prospects? Or am I going from one fleeting moment to the next having lost the capacity for intimacy?

My mother would argue disapprovingly that indeed we are living in times of a bankrupt culture deprived of any kind of moral grounding.

I rather not explore that option as I remain conflicted by an imposed religious upbringing and a learned desire to be rational (and hopefully reasonable)... Maybe one day I will ponder further on reason and faith…

The following two alternatives seem pertinent…

In the fast paced world of cosmopolitan and hectic cities, romantic relationships are far from easy to initiate. After all, we tend to be first and foremost, focused on OUR career and its prospects.

Yet some biological needs remain (or not) latent. Pragmatism dictates these are satisfied so... Girl meets boy (or vice versa). They chat whilst having a few drinks that end up becoming more drinks elsewhere. They may even “hook up” for the night. So what happens next?

If biological needs cannot be avoided then it is also pragmatic to make the most of them, which is where hedonism would come in! In the end, the hap hazardous meeting could results in a number of different situations. It could end up been a one night stand. [Done.] Or maybe a series of amorous encounters without future but serving the purpose of releasing some tension under the sheets (or somewhere else)! [Done.] It may turn into a casual acquaintance who feels entitled to ask for advice on the new person they are seeing. [Done.] Who knows, maybe in some cases it actually evolves into a relationship… This last has not been my experience…[yet!]

This brings me to this time issue… maybe I am more self-centred that I care to admit to myself. I do often joke about “franworld”! But I don’t think I am particularly selfish with my time. Although I do like to plan there is always room for improvisation, even if after a brief time I realise nothing will come of it.

True seldom does “a stranger you bump into” (no pun intended) transcends beyond anything other than a self-gratification incident… there is no harm done in being a bit adventurous and taking the scenic view, provided you take the necessary safety precautions.

Since the journey we call life comes to an end for us all at a destination we are not privy to, so it seems reasonable to make the most of the path which we progressively uncovers before us as we go!

I don’t mind the tissue metaphor; the nifty invention that is the tissue also serves other purposes…

• To clean up a spill that provides the opportunity for two hand to touch and a spark to ignite.
• Or maybe it could serve to hold a flower; souvenir of a sunny day at the park.
• Or perhaps to dry the blood from a bruise resulting from a failed attempt to cause a good impression…
• Who knows if you are lucky, it will dry some tears!

There will be times where you are doing the disposal; other times it is the other way around. That is the way Life goes and there’s nothing left to do but live, and learn embracing the tears and cherishing the smiles

Deafening silence of random noise

‘Ctrl+Z’… that was my reaction whilst digging in my closet. I wanted to “undo” what I had just done… talk about spending too much time in front on my computer! At this rate, I may be literally saying LOL next time I laugh

If didn’t know better I would think myself an automat. Of late though it is what I have become. I struggle to bounce out of bed despite getting enough sleep; I go to work where I feel dazed most of the day until it is time to go home. It starts again the next day!

This must be what near exhaustion feels like! I am so tired I cannot really think straight, or articulate a coherent argument for that matter… What is worse, much to my awe I find the words take flight when I try to approach them! I don’t think I have ever suffered from thinking block… if I have this is the first time I am aware of it! I have random and incomplete ideas floating around in my head and most attempts to pursue them to a conclusion are affected by my lack of concentration!

Luckily, I get a few breaks in my routine like my meetings with Vincenzo and Giuseppe, which result in some interesting and intellectually stimulating conversation… Although I should apologise to Vincenzo for spacing out and thinking about fries whilst he was trying to discuss some aspects of art history or was it his desire to read on the matter that he was explaining?

[On the bus to work]
A sudden sensation of panic takes hold of me. I associate it with the sight before me: the incredible number of massively overweight and deformed human beings. I experience mixed feelings. I am annoyed by their presence and their excessive need for “extra” space at the expense of the rest of us. But then there is that panic induced fear. What do I fear? Becoming a minority and the socio-economic, cultural (and environmental) implications of an obese world? I snap back to it…We are at St Thomas’ right before Westminster Bridge; the bus empties…

I am due for a holiday. I know I should not whine, after all a holiday is a luxury for a greater portion of the world population. Still I find myself counting the days till I go away… the elongation of time is making this countdown seem eternal… A statement in itself incorrect for eternity cannot accurately be defined by finite beings! But allow me to stay clear of any philosophical discussion as I fear I would not be able to do it justice!

Yet, I still feel I need to write; I don’t know why I just need to! But in the confused stupor I find myself, I have not mustered the will until now! The irony of it all is that the italicised insertions above, which to me would make a far more interesting write/read were I able to develop them!

Maybe I can blame it on the English weather, which is finally getting to me. This (Blitz) summer is like a capricious lover. It grants you its joyful, addictive but brief presence before disheartening you with indifference cast in the form of grey skies and muggy days on end.

I find myself fighting the build up of this emotional wave inside of me; suppressing the tears gathering in my eyes and the deep sighs escaping from my chest. Strangely enough, I feel incredibly light, so light I could fly away… Is this escapism at its best or maybe I part of me craves a new monster in its inability to enjoy the freedom of existence?

In my daze; I day dream untroubled reveries filled with happy tidings… the idea of love is recurrent but I think I am more in love with the idea of falling in love than anything else! Can love and pragmatism co-exist? I wonder…

A picture says a 1000 words... or does it?

We’ve all heard the saying...

But how many images do six words convey?

Let’s be honest, steak was NOT the first think you thought about!
Maybe its because I am a woman, maybe my hormones have to do something with it! It all came down to my state of mind. Had I been a man, or a starving bona fide meat eater maybe I would have pictured a nice juicy Kobe/Angus chunk of meat!

It all comes down to 'meaning'…

I struggle to say whether ‘some’, ‘most’ or ‘all’ of us are looking for it in our own way. To avoid absolutes I’ll say that for those of us who are searching for meaning, we seek for it in different things, places and through varying means, encouraged by an infinite array of sources.

The quest [for meaning] is timeless and has not set time framework. Sometimes determination will get us closer, other times the determination to find meaning may, unknowingly, divert us from finding it. More often than not we’ll never get all of it in one go but will be able to pick up the pieces of the puzzle and slowly a meaningful picture will emerge... or at least so we hope!

How often have we followed a path only to realise, once that way has been exhausted, that the meaning found is other than that we sought. Indeed, looking for meaning has nothing to do with finding what you expected/wanted to find.

Why? Ideally, the journey would be undertaken with an open (objective) mind and as little, if any, (subjective) preconceptions as possible... But am I not being subjective now? Why is it that objectivity opposed to subjectivity? Why is it that often the meaning that ensues from objectivity more valued than that can arises from subjectivity? My head is starting to turn...

Objective/subjective... lately I have been trying to organise my thoughts (not quite there yet)... It just so happens that along the way I have found myself pondering on the meaning of other age-old dichotomies: right/wrong, light/dark, genius/madness… By opposing them we’ve rendered the existence of one impossible without that of the other. Albeit simplistic, it is a peculiar way to create the world; separated by nothing more than a thin “/” (line) which can very much serve the purpose of a moat.

Words/concepts are constantly opposed yet two sides of the same coin.

“Reason without passion is dead, passion without reason pure folly”.

The relationship is undeniably complimentary; perhaps this yet another of life’s ironies?

No wonder then that striking a balance between the two is such a painstaking task; provided that the meaning of “balance” is agreed upon! So many things rely on this balance being sustained and seldom can we agree on the meaning or how to maintain it!

‘Tis thin a line that which separates humanity from brutality, sanity from folly… Sometimes a comforting shoulder in the height of battle will be the only means to see the meaning, saving us albeit for just a moment… The thin red line that separates absurdity from reason… It all hangs from an elusive line we are so prone to miss! Mistake, or willful omission? Maybe its artificial and as such unsustainable. Maybe we’re a bit off in the meaning…

What would one do with meaning? Without it we have a reason to go on, maybe if we had it our raison d’être would cease to be… Or is that what happens when meaning is the thin line that separates the desire (to live) from apathy?

Maybe the search for meaning proves fruitful only in scarce occasions (maybe never) and that provided the quest does not become the intoxicating hubris that will mark our end…

Then again maybe it is too late to avert the intoxication, maybe our hubris already got the best of us… Maybe this is why it sometimes feels like a never ending, arduous, repetitive and pointless task, much as Sisyphus boulder. Your guess is as good as mine!

Is Random ever random?

If we go by my previous posting, then the answer is NO!

I have made a series of decisions which have brought me here I am at the entrance of a labyrinth and am walking in knowing I am journeying in the search for my Minotaur; in store a duel to the death.

I can only hope that I will be victorious like Theseus and annihilate my doubts. But unlike Theseus I have no Ariadne, I only have my sense of direction to guide me back out of the labyrinth! And of late my compass may have lost its North; don't know that Sartre can help me here!

Was it just a casual encounter or is this a second event in an emerging self-destructive pattern? What happens when loose allegiances lead you to take up the invitation of a total stranger? Is it self-discovery or more like self-sabotage? Is this a pattern emerging?

I like Him I really do, but my patience is being put to the test and to be honest all the good intentions may not suffice to make it endure. So maybe I don’t like Him as much… If He just gave me more to work with… Or should I be asking for more to work with? I don’t want to be demanding; His job seems to give Him enough of that! Aaarggghhh!

On my way to the party I tried to process some of it… The only thing is the processing process maybe have gone astray in recent months and as a result my judgement may be clouded…
So last night, when I was on my way to the party I decided I would have fun and get MY way at some point during the night.

Far from Reason, the rationale behind the original processing/coping mechanism may have evolved into a different creature with an obscure raison d’être…

I was really hoping I’d get to see Him this weekend alas something came up and I found myself disappointed at the impossibility to see Him and upset at my disappointment! Why do I get emotionally involved when things are still up in the air? Plus maybe it was not such a bad thing He didn’t make it, given the party was quiet until we hit the club... That and it was mostly attended by married couples... that could have been potentially awkward.

The night was uneventful until I was on my way home...

The night bus is a must if you have stayed out partying until the wee hours of the morning and don’t feel like dropping 40 quid to get home... I’ve been on it enough times. I had to take the it from Putney. Whilst waiting for the bus at Clapham Junction a guy started talking to me. I was happy to oblige… He seemed charming enough… little did I know he was French; he had a perfect British accent. Having established we were both fairly confident creatures, flirting commenced. We seemed to be on the same page and it quickly built up to an invitation to come over for a drink...

I did quite a bit of "obliging". More than what happened would have happened had he not lost his keys… It may still happen since he asked for my number, and I may just feel like obliging some more...

Question is now, why am I incurring in such amorous affairs? Is it because when opportunity knocks it seems silly to turn it down? Could it be that my judgement was clouded by spite? It could be a misguided way to mend a bruised ego (and shoot myself in the foot on the way!)? Maybe I was out for the shock factor?

But as far as last night goes, I have no regrets...

IF my gut is right, then patience is the key BUT is my gut right? Could it be that unbeknown to my consciousness I am just deluding myself? Maybe He is just not (that) into me!

What does it say if I am patient but indulge on the side? Am I constructing a convoluted rationale to justify my actions and ensuing behaviour? Do I have to lose myself before I am found? Is this a healthy self exploration or is this the beginning of a slow decent into a downwards spiral? A labyrinth out of which I am not to escape unscathed!

I am short on answers of late...

The eye of the storm

The last few days have been spent in a bit of an emotional blur … Let’s face it by nature I tend to default into an overly “analytical” state of mind. More often than not, I succeed in making sense but when it comes to my feelings, I stumble upon a place where abstract thought seems to be filtered out.

Which led me to wonder: What happens when existentialism meets determinism?

In Greek tragedy, the hero’s fate is foretold and at times known to him/her. The story sees this hero(ine) run from Fate only to follow his/her hubris and come crashing into it at full speed. Life is not without a sense of irony.

Can the opposite also hold true? The more you want something the more you can push it away. Or perhaps the more you want something the more you fear it won’t come to be, thus if you push it away you can “justify” not getting it. So what is it? Are we first caught in a predetermined game of fate or are we, first and foremost, the existence we project?

Technically speaking, all of the above are possibilities. Indeed determinism is only a possibility (one you choose to accept); existentialism tends to lead the way to a few more options… the only absolute truth is that there is no absolute truth!

It is the irony in life (again) that makes it so those around you see your path more clearly than you can? How can you find clarity when you ignore it is lacking? Neither Oedipus nor Cassandra fared too well. The former was too blind to see and make sense of what the soothsayer told him. As for Cassandra, she was “condemned” to see the path but not able to have any effect on it. Granted maybe being a woman in those days didn’t help her out much…

Regardless it is fair to ask whether theirs were deliberate decisions not to see or act or accidental occurrences forced by circumstance?

But why all this rambling?

Sometimes I feel prisoner of Reason (or is it reasoned arguments?). But were I to accept this, I’d be accepting a Fate. Instead, I am choosing to find my clarity in the eye of the storm, where reason and instinct meet temperance and clarity naturally ensues.

We are the sum of our actions, actions that barely precede our decisions. We are therefore the decisions we project unto the world… There is no Fate!

Le Roi est mort. Vive le Roi...

Why does the death of one person seem to create so much hysteria?

All this drama, all this crying… In a world of 6bn+, how many people die a day? Do you imagine putting this kind of show every time someone died? We’d be wasting our lives in mourning…

At risk of sounding insensitive what relationship are these people regretting? The person they more than likely never really personally met or knew. The music will remain (timeless?) to reminisce and to introduce to new generations.

The remnants of any political engagement in me would like to see such displays of empathy and regret when it comes to the plight of so many suffering painful and miserable existences around the world… there are millions out there that were not as lucky as to live in Neverland and succeed in squandering millions in eccentricities…

Then but lets not make it political… what about all the failed relationships around us? Are our lives that empty and devoid of meaning that we feel bonds were there are none?

For a bond to exist you need at least two parties to feel uniquely and intimately connected. Thousands are crying over a guy they did not knew… they may have felt uniquely connected to him but how could he ever reciprocate?

Why do they put so much effort in deluding themselves? Could it be because it is easier to pretend to have a bond with some distant character? Never requiring comforting but readily providing “solace”. Allowing us to indulge in self-gratifying relationship to ourselves?

It is indeed much simpler than relating to “real” people, whose needs must be acknowledged and measured on the same standing as ours…

Then again maybe I am being over optimistic thinking people are just selfish…

Maybe the emptiness is a sign of how vacillating we are… capable of fierce scorn one minute, and inconsolable sorrow the next…

As you may have guessed I am not particularly touched by the death of the 'King of Pop'. I am not particularly sensitive to his legacy, after all I was never really an MTV child… but I will give you this: it is all about entertainment!

The mob is fickle... Roman emperors knew it and they gave people the Colosseum.

The King may be dead but soon another will be found to fill his place and the crying will subside… Long live the King… the mob will have another surrogate through which to live…

Continuity is after all very important; 'monarchs' they come and go… life is a big irony!

Merteuil vs Valmont

The other day I was reading an article in Wikipedia and I was appalled!

What is the difference between Valmont and Madame de Merteuil? Technically, there is none, socially now, that is a different story...

The article named Casanova, Don Juan, Lothario as examples of promiscuous men. When I scrolled down to look for similar female counter parts all I found were generic terms: “slut”, "slag", "trollop", "skank", and "ho"… Why is it that more often than not, promiscuous men tend to go down in history (or literature) as legends while women become fallen beings banish to a nameless oblivion? And no I am not over-reacting!

The negative (social, moral) connotation of promiscuity aside, trying to find some information that would render women a place on equal footing with men was all but straight forward. Actually, I am still in the midst of looking. What little I've found tends to come from a feminist standpoint, a view which is not always a accepted as objective by some people...

In a recent email to a friend I outline my approach to the dating scene (not talking love here that's another story):

"Opportunistic about spotting prospects until the due diligence has been completed and an exclusivity agreement has been signed". (Much like it happens in M&A)

If a man were to take the approach it would be considered pragmatic (business-like even) would it be the same for a woman or would she more likely be categorised as “conniving, cold and calculating”?

The devil is in the detail... The attitude is definitely pragmatic, cold and calculating… as for being conniving its not really a gender-specific quality!

It would be like saying that guys aren’t shattered by a cheating partner.

From trying to numb the pain by pointing out how wrong she was for him anyways, to wallowing in self pity, to walking the corridors moping at their bad luck and the decided evilness of the girl, to denial… Sounds familiar? Maybe because those are some of the ways in which women can also react!

Why the double standards, could someone care to enlighten me? Not that you've asked me but I think the -izer ending is as applicable to 'man' than to 'woman'!

The Ides of June

It is highly unlikely for a soothsayer to bear me bad news. For starters it is not like I am a menace to the republic; I govern only in my world!

But lets for a moment consider, for the sake of creative freedom that the wheels of radical change have been set in motion in recent months…

For one I think I am finally learning to fully let go… and be spontaneous about my plans… Now before anyone says that I am still “RETENTIVE” when it comes to planning let me say in my defence that I do that in order to avoid falling into a monotonous routine and neglect my friends! With that out of the way… Spontaneity… very important indeed or it could be that I am still riding the high from this weekend… I was definitely not expecting for Yann’s Saturday bday brunch to turn out to be a weekend outing!

It was also a good weekend to consider how gender roles work… Have you ever thought like a man, felt like a woman or vice-versa?

I love bread. There is something comforting about the smell of warm bread coming out of the oven… and yet I quit bread… For the most part; I eat it socially! Much to my surprise I am not the only one! During a recent breakfast lunch a couple of guys and I started talking and they pretty much concurred! And that is not all… they’ve opted for less caloric drinks… Bye bye beer. Gin tonic anyone?

Who would have thought straight guys would swear off bear for the sake of their physique? Men are vain just as much as women can be… granted not all of them but then not all women are vain either! Following the same line of argumentation women can be as lusty and avidly enthusiastic about casual sex as men…

Doubtfully this is an original line of thinking, nor is it inspired by the ‘metrosexuals’ in my life. In fact most of my friends still associate the noun with “girliness” to ever consider that an adjective that describes them.
Two points to make on this subject. First that it is biased if not unfair to negate men (those who want to exercise it) the right to a bit of grooming… Second, given the amount of time and effort most of us women put into looking good, is it not only natural that men reciprocate? There is NOTHING wrong with exfoliating!
Truth be, told the Venus-Mars dichotomy was never really my cup of tea!

But I digress, if men can “feel like women” about their bodies and women can “think like men” about sex like men, then maybe we are not so different from each other in the end?

Recently I’ve found myself liking this guy… quite a bit actually which is perhaps unwise given that we met went straight into an alcohol induced horizontal mode…
I don’t know that it’s that he is one of the few guys I know to admit liking ABBA or that he impressed me with an incredible well executed and cooked four-course dinner – which resulted in me having performance anxiety when it was my turn to cook! Then there is the fact that he can keep up and takes the initiative in the morning... very important indeed!

In any case, I just cancelled brunch with a girlfriend which is not something I do. But if he picked up the cue to we should perhaps “diversify our portfolio to include non-horizontal activities and spread the risk”… then I don't see why I would be difficult about it!

Dionysos sponsored the Ides of May which have brought about some (at least initially) welcomed news these Ides of June… Let's just hope there is no Brutus in the picture!

Another night out...

Tonight is one of those nights where things went all right BUT they could have gone better... A night of NARROWLY missed encounters...

Five minutes here, a drunken friend and the labyrinth that can be the London underground... granted there may have been some degree of substance induced intoxication!

To think that I could have enjoyed the thrill of the anticipation brought on by an illicit rendez-vous. The taunting in the foreplay and finally after some frolicking the insurmountable extasy that comes from the explosion of my senses... so intense that it would obliterate everything; even reason would surrender to pleasure...

True on the odd day I have some socially dictated reservation...

That being said I am almost convinced that the more hedonistic side will have the last say! In the end life is too short, recession omnipresent, death and taxes inevitable! And that "explosion" so desirable... the choice albeit controversial by some standards, not really tough to make!

'De-Nial' is a river in Egypt

For as long as men are men and women women, humanity has given into lusty affairs… let’s face it there is nothing wrong with seeking and finding pleasure. It is definitely! But have the busy lives we lead today rendered this search for pleasure a empty automation?

At some point, perhaps not so long ago, we had to put some degree of constant effort in obtaining the favours of the opposite sex. The courting game was fairly well codified. Constancy was a determining factor… Now we tend to cut to the chase, albeit with mixed objectives and mixed results!

But where are we at today? Between the fast paced lives we lead, to the hedonistic, self-centred, utilitarian take on carnal encounters romance tends to be the exception rather than the norm. Are we just too tired after our demanding jobs to make time during the week? Do we find ourselves struggling to make room on weekends too: just too many house chores and errands to run? Are romance and wooing more apt as subjects of anthropological studies of practices no longer valid? Of late, I’ve come to wonder…

This year, my love life has taken the shape of an ancient piece jewellery found in some archaeological site. A string of often irregular, at times memorable but definitely inconstant “beads” strung along. No records of what the object meant to its owner, as such it is only as a memento of times past; meaningless if not for its historical value! The question is, should I continue to collect meaningless beads to add to my necklace until I come across a meaningful one? Can this even be done?

In a buzzing city like London filled with workaholics (among other types of –holics), where schedules tend to conflict and transport can sometimes become a logistical nightmare, who would have the stamina at the end of the week to pursue love?

Lust is the second best thing to the real thing I guess... And while there is nothing wrong with some weekend gratification, when does it become just another part of the routine along with ‘doing laundry, tidying up, ironing and grocery shopping’? Something you squeeze in, because it has to get done! That is, unless in a brief moment of clarity, you click enough with someone and consider taking it beyond the usual frolicking.

But can romance be revived then? Or are attempts to do so just wishful thinking? How determined would one have to be? Before we snap out of clarity of reverie and back into the routine that is reality? How long before the attempt becomes one more bead in the necklace? More worryingly yet; at what point do we opt to collect more beads lest a quietened mind be plagued with self-doubt and existentialism?

I am hitting 30 and I have more questions in my head and than definite (or even sufficiently reassuring) answers... Such is the conclusion -if you can call it that - I reach in my moments of clarity. I wish I could maintain the reverie for a bit longer alas 'tis no only fall on me! You need two to tango. In the end I guess I can make bead necklaces. There is no harm done if both parties are explicitly honest and open about their intentions… Such is the Zeitgeist of the 21^st century!

“There is optimism and there is delusion…”

That is how Frankie has recently expressed his discontentment with the Brown government and the current state of British politics… Should Gordon throw the towel? Many think he should! But where should one draw the line and give up the fight? In the end, the world belongs to those who fight for what they believe in/is theirs!

This same matter of fact attitude is the one I am trying to embrace…

My life is not undergoing some en masse expression of non-confidence. I am simply approaching the often dreaded 3-0! Trying to embrace all that comes my way, “good” and “not so good”. At times even experiencing things a bit later than most, but with a clearer idea of what I (think) want to get out of it…. Then again, it could be the delusion striking!

But why dread the passage of time? The years pass to the rhythm of friends made… I met Nicolas when I was 8 and I must admit a crush which lasted for quite some time. Carolina entered my life when I was 13 and although there was a estrangement that lasted the better part of 10 years I can now attribute that to the impetuous and rash nature of adolescence. Julien and I met in a physics lab when we were 13… both of us with spectacles larger than our phases! ‘Loulou’ and ‘Tchoutchou’ are like the sisters I never had, although we only met during our last year of high school –over 12 years ago! More recently, there’s been Paul and Felicity whom I met during my MA – gosh that was five years ago already! Then there’s Julie, who made the Greenpeace experience interesting and enjoyable! Angie and Domitille are part of what has made the second London experience worthwhile! And how would I pass my work days without Frankie to amuse me? Although I am sure he’d say o am the one doing the amusing!

You can see why I cannot see 30 as a dreaded burden imposed on me? More like a treasure chest that keeps growing... I guess it comes down to a matter of perspective!

So, I feel I am finally coming of age… ok I may be 30 is not a common age to come of age but somethings you can't rush: all things come in good time!

All I can say is that I feel enthused about life! First 29 years and 9 months have been sweet! Why would it change? …

I feel so free that there are days where I wonder if I am not deluding myself. Maybe it has not hit me yet… I guess we’ll see in three months time! I can still pretend I am a sail boat anchoring at a port for a while before the next great adventure comes along… it may be a year or so before the winds effectively pick up! And why not try to conquer myself and discover the world?