‘Ctrl+Z’… that was my reaction whilst digging in my closet. I wanted to “undo” what I had just done… talk about spending too much time in front on my computer! At this rate, I may be literally saying LOL next time I laugh
If didn’t know better I would think myself an automat. Of late though it is what I have become. I struggle to bounce out of bed despite getting enough sleep; I go to work where I feel dazed most of the day until it is time to go home. It starts again the next day!
This must be what near exhaustion feels like! I am so tired I cannot really think straight, or articulate a coherent argument for that matter… What is worse, much to my awe I find the words take flight when I try to approach them! I don’t think I have ever suffered from thinking block… if I have this is the first time I am aware of it! I have random and incomplete ideas floating around in my head and most attempts to pursue them to a conclusion are affected by my lack of concentration!
Luckily, I get a few breaks in my routine like my meetings with Vincenzo and Giuseppe, which result in some interesting and intellectually stimulating conversation… Although I should apologise to Vincenzo for spacing out and thinking about fries whilst he was trying to discuss some aspects of art history or was it his desire to read on the matter that he was explaining?
[On the bus to work]
A sudden sensation of panic takes hold of me. I associate it with the sight before me: the incredible number of massively overweight and deformed human beings. I experience mixed feelings. I am annoyed by their presence and their excessive need for “extra” space at the expense of the rest of us. But then there is that panic induced fear. What do I fear? Becoming a minority and the socio-economic, cultural (and environmental) implications of an obese world? I snap back to it…We are at St Thomas’ right before Westminster Bridge; the bus empties…
I am due for a holiday. I know I should not whine, after all a holiday is a luxury for a greater portion of the world population. Still I find myself counting the days till I go away… the elongation of time is making this countdown seem eternal… A statement in itself incorrect for eternity cannot accurately be defined by finite beings! But allow me to stay clear of any philosophical discussion as I fear I would not be able to do it justice!
Yet, I still feel I need to write; I don’t know why I just need to! But in the confused stupor I find myself, I have not mustered the will until now! The irony of it all is that the italicised insertions above, which to me would make a far more interesting write/read were I able to develop them!
Maybe I can blame it on the English weather, which is finally getting to me. This (Blitz) summer is like a capricious lover. It grants you its joyful, addictive but brief presence before disheartening you with indifference cast in the form of grey skies and muggy days on end.
I find myself fighting the build up of this emotional wave inside of me; suppressing the tears gathering in my eyes and the deep sighs escaping from my chest. Strangely enough, I feel incredibly light, so light I could fly away… Is this escapism at its best or maybe I part of me craves a new monster in its inability to enjoy the freedom of existence?
In my daze; I day dream untroubled reveries filled with happy tidings… the idea of love is recurrent but I think I am more in love with the idea of falling in love than anything else! Can love and pragmatism co-exist? I wonder…
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