Is Random ever random?

If we go by my previous posting, then the answer is NO!

I have made a series of decisions which have brought me here I am at the entrance of a labyrinth and am walking in knowing I am journeying in the search for my Minotaur; in store a duel to the death.

I can only hope that I will be victorious like Theseus and annihilate my doubts. But unlike Theseus I have no Ariadne, I only have my sense of direction to guide me back out of the labyrinth! And of late my compass may have lost its North; don't know that Sartre can help me here!

Was it just a casual encounter or is this a second event in an emerging self-destructive pattern? What happens when loose allegiances lead you to take up the invitation of a total stranger? Is it self-discovery or more like self-sabotage? Is this a pattern emerging?

I like Him I really do, but my patience is being put to the test and to be honest all the good intentions may not suffice to make it endure. So maybe I don’t like Him as much… If He just gave me more to work with… Or should I be asking for more to work with? I don’t want to be demanding; His job seems to give Him enough of that! Aaarggghhh!

On my way to the party I tried to process some of it… The only thing is the processing process maybe have gone astray in recent months and as a result my judgement may be clouded…
So last night, when I was on my way to the party I decided I would have fun and get MY way at some point during the night.

Far from Reason, the rationale behind the original processing/coping mechanism may have evolved into a different creature with an obscure raison d’être…

I was really hoping I’d get to see Him this weekend alas something came up and I found myself disappointed at the impossibility to see Him and upset at my disappointment! Why do I get emotionally involved when things are still up in the air? Plus maybe it was not such a bad thing He didn’t make it, given the party was quiet until we hit the club... That and it was mostly attended by married couples... that could have been potentially awkward.

The night was uneventful until I was on my way home...

The night bus is a must if you have stayed out partying until the wee hours of the morning and don’t feel like dropping 40 quid to get home... I’ve been on it enough times. I had to take the it from Putney. Whilst waiting for the bus at Clapham Junction a guy started talking to me. I was happy to oblige… He seemed charming enough… little did I know he was French; he had a perfect British accent. Having established we were both fairly confident creatures, flirting commenced. We seemed to be on the same page and it quickly built up to an invitation to come over for a drink...

I did quite a bit of "obliging". More than what happened would have happened had he not lost his keys… It may still happen since he asked for my number, and I may just feel like obliging some more...

Question is now, why am I incurring in such amorous affairs? Is it because when opportunity knocks it seems silly to turn it down? Could it be that my judgement was clouded by spite? It could be a misguided way to mend a bruised ego (and shoot myself in the foot on the way!)? Maybe I was out for the shock factor?

But as far as last night goes, I have no regrets...

IF my gut is right, then patience is the key BUT is my gut right? Could it be that unbeknown to my consciousness I am just deluding myself? Maybe He is just not (that) into me!

What does it say if I am patient but indulge on the side? Am I constructing a convoluted rationale to justify my actions and ensuing behaviour? Do I have to lose myself before I am found? Is this a healthy self exploration or is this the beginning of a slow decent into a downwards spiral? A labyrinth out of which I am not to escape unscathed!

I am short on answers of late...