Walking contradictions

We all claim to want freedom but at the same time we are often willing to sacrifice the freedom of others to ours. Much in the same way we tend to 'preach a truth' for others, a 'truth' but that we ourselves do not always wish to apply/listen to...

I mean even when I KNOW that this story with the the Silver Surfer is doomed I still get butterflies in my stomach... and although I KNOW I should put a stop to this I am not going to at least not in the the near future...

The truth is I probably like him more that I can admit to myself... Even as I write this I do so switching back and forth between the perspective of an omniscient narrator -who KNOWS the reasoning behind her main character's actions but is also aware of a certain inevitability of the path this character has taken- and the first person trying to figure things out.

My friend Tessa asked me if I have told him I'd like to see more of him but the truth is I haven't and I don't know that I will. Certainly, right now I am in a limbo so to speak, and I cling to the illusion that I am still the shots and in full control of my feelings... but Reason seems to have gone AWAL ... and when it comes to this issue the desire to will Reason back is also in a procrastination mode or is it instead

One of those times where -at least for a moment (of undetermined length) - feelings trump reason?

It is a bit like a condition where your friends' advice makes perfect sense, on both the pro and against sides - obviously for different reasons.
The difference is that Tessa's advice - to go ahead and tell him I would like to see more of him - is what I want to hear. (As opposed to Maria's advice that this whole thing may not be a good idea.)
Which means that I KNOW how I feel and what I want, but that I have been too afraid to give it a go...

Sometimes you (think you) know you are shooting yourself in the foot at least in theory but you still pursue the empirical proof... I guess its part of the scientific method .... Besides, it's all part of growing up!

Nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

Poker face

Have you ever felt too proud to fess up to the world? It is one of those nights when I feel particularly lonely -I guess there is a price to pay for choosing to belief what I do! Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to blame it all on hormones and get one with it...

In the meantime I shall dwell on my vulnerability and my inherent need to appear stronger than what I may be! To I feel vulnerable and yet I should be excited I potentially have two job offers... And may be it is because I have a reason to be happy but nobody to really share it with, that I feel so alone!

I am trying to explore this moment of "weakness" to see if it is more than a moment or perhaps it is a reality I have been trying to hide from myself... rationality can become quite a complicated affair!

Tonight I will admit I feel lost but tomorrow I may deny the whole thing.... which is true I don't know - and I don't know that I want to delve into it! I spend so much time trying to figure myself out, my reasoning.... sometimes I wish I were dumber. But then again I am sure that I would find something to be miserable about!

Maybe Agent Smith was right and we need something to be off to be 'happy' lest we are unable to compute the reality around us?!

I better go to bed! Maybe Morpheus will bring some solace!

The end justifies the means...

No this is not Machiavellian essay on foreign policy although I am sure I could find something to say on that...

I am more concerned with lighter aspects of my life... those related to my extra curricular activities. The means through which I am conducting the experiment that is my self-discovery would certainly fail to gain the seal of approval of more conservative strata of society.

But I am finding the whole experience particularly enlightening and delightful in oh so many ways!

I am still seeing the Silver Surfer as my friend kindly baptised him! We meet every few weeks for dinner, some kind of social event and then we have a sleep over... For a moment there I thought I was developing some kind of romantic feelings but I think I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the stress and frustration related to work...

And I am lucky to have friends who care and look out for me...

They keep telling me to beware and not to waste my time. They are concerned that I could fall in love and that I could end up getting hurt... and falling in love indeed a possibility... ONE in a realm of many! To put their minds at ease -and perhaps also to convince myself of it - I tell them that I have been accepting invitations from other guys, keeping the door to other possibilities WIDE open.

As for Time, it is only wasted if I agree with the normalised idea that I have to meet specific milestones on a particular schedule that falls into what has been determined as appropriate by society... And therein lies the answer, for last I checked I have no schedule to keep. Indeed:

Life unfolds at its own pace for better or worse!

However I must admit that all this questioning about feelings has made me wonder whether my decisions and attitudes are a product of ME or whether the ME is a product of decisions I believe I ought to take in order to create this ME I believe I should be... I know it is a bit convoluted... I think I won't go there... at least not just yet!

The above paragraph notwithstanding, o thing is certain, believe it or not I am learning to go with my gut which does not come as second nature to me!