It was one of those half joke half-truths framed within the realm of possibility…
It was the right measure of sexy tempered with the right amount of ease with each other: I could not have asked for anything better. Who would have thought it after seven years?
The first time was… just a tad awkward! Mostly because of the half joke nature of my initial insinuation… There was also the fact that our relationship had never steered in that direction in the past. Sure, we had shared a bed in the past. Back in uni, following nights out. But we had just slept on it; I mostly remembered him snoring!
“Buddies” he said because up to that point that is all we were…
But the awkwardness was short-lived, for the most part –PDAs, those took a bit to iron out but with only a week to work it out – and I may be going out on a limb here -- I would venture to say that we did pretty good for the time we had in our hands!
Oh yeah! It was definitely fun but also funny and silly in a child-like kind of way, which made it enjoyable beyond wantonness.
There have been a few guys; most of them strangers, some I pursued, and others pursued me. But in all of those instances there was never anything there, between us, before that initial chase, what resulted of it, or the fizzling that came after.
So I ventured to cross the line that separates a platonic friendship from something else. This was effectively my first time in those waters. Certainly, I had made up my mind a while back, but that I had decided to cross the friendship-line was only a third of the journey. I certainly could not suppose to know what his reaction would be, and even less what it would be like once (IF) we both crossed the lined. It was a risk I was willing to take; somewhat calculated, but a risk nonetheless.
I discovered a different reality… these uncharted waters at times excitingly tempestuous were also warm and tranquil at times comfortingly lulling me to sleep.
I know it happened, and I how it sort of came to happen… But I didn’t acknowledge the presence of ‘unknowns currents’ as I plotted the course on the chart… That’s life at its best; the irony; I can’t help but to smile.
I am still processing… 'tis after all my preferred setting or is it just the default one?
All these emotions are still close to the surface and I don’t know how best 'handle' them –should that even be an option?
Two possibilities come immediately to mind:
1) Compartmentalisation: enjoy it for what it was a short-lived experience (like most I’ve had). One that relieved my back pain and provided some intense moments of gratification. A cold/calculated approach, which of late, I fear, could be becoming close to second nature…
"Second nature"… Is it a fully informed and rationalised decision? Or is it a normalised “pragmatism”; a betrayal to myself?
Or...
2) Embrace the confusion, the gaiety and lightness of being without worrying about what may or could have become of it… Let those feelings –just like the wind – dance around and dissipate or concentrate. Waltzing away from any desire to possess them, to box them, to imprison them…
Both possibilities require an investment on my behalf, either to ‘betray’ myself into a rationalised certainty or remain ‘vulnerable’ to the flightiness but free, uncensored...
…Thus my question answered: embrace the uncertainty and the freedom it provides…
¡Qué sera, sera!
